Anyone have any good jokes?

[Pike]

well I'd tell my joks but everyone here hahs probably heard them allready.

[Godgrave]

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy


Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

[GundamFreakX]

Little Stephanie was a little girl who always went to church. However, during sunday school, she would always fall asleep during class. So, the pastor told Little Johnny, "When she falls asleep again, stab her with this pencil."

So, the next day, during Sunday school, she fell asleep. Then, the teacher asked, "Who was Mary?" Little Johnny stabbed Strphanie with the pencil. She jerked awake and yelled, "Mother of Jesus!" The teacher said, "That's correct." The, she fell back asleep.

Then, the teacher asked, "Who created the Earth and all the creatures?" Little Johnny stabbed her again. She jerked awake and yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher said, "That's correct." Then, she fell asleep again.

Finally, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 37th child?" Little Johnny stabbed her again, so she jumped up, looked at Johnny, and yelled, "If you stab that thing in me again, I'm gonna break it off!"

[Saosin]

I've heard that one but it never gets old.

[Akira13]

Little Stephanie was a little girl who always went to church. However, during sunday school, she would always fall asleep during class. So, the pastor told Little Johnny, "When she falls asleep again, stab her with this pencil."

So, the next day, during Sunday school, she fell asleep. Then, the teacher asked, "Who was Mary?" Little Johnny stabbed Strphanie with the pencil. She jerked awake and yelled, "Mother of Jesus!" The teacher said, "That's correct." The, she fell back asleep.

Then, the teacher asked, "Who created the Earth and all the creatures?" Little Johnny stabbed her again. She jerked awake and yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher said, "That's correct." Then, she fell asleep again.

Finally, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 37th child?" Little Johnny stabbed her again, so she jumped up, looked at Johnny, and yelled, "If you stab that thing in me again, I'm gonna break it off!"
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA X'D

[Godgrave]

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

[Sabe]

Here's one that'll make you think.

A teacher was giving her first graders a standard lesson, when the subject turned suddenly to God. To enforce her opinion that God didn't exist, the teacher turned to a little boy and asked him to look out the window. When he did, she asked him 3 questions.
"Can you see that tree?"
"Yes."
"Can you see the sky?"
"Yes."
"Can you see God?"
A pause. "No."
"That is because he isn't there."
The little girl who had started the conversation stood up. "Teacher, may I ask him some questions?"
"Yes, yes..."
She asked the little boy the same two questions the teacher did at first and got the same answers. Then, she called her classsmate over and pointed at the teacher. She then asked him, "Can you see the teachers brain?" The little boy told her no. She than said, "Then by what the teacher says, it doesn't exist."

Talk about the wisdom of children!

[CrustyOld]

A guy gets pulled over for speeding.
"I was sitting up there on the hill with a radar gun and caught you at over 80mph." says the officer. "Why were you speeding?"

"I am a proctologist and there is an emergency" the calm Dr. replies.

"Proctologist eh. Well what kind of emergency could you be responding to?"

"There are a lot of things you can do with an ass, you can have ruptures, cancer, hemerhoids, you can even stretch one out to be almost six feel tall."

"Well what can you do with a six food assh*le?" the cop asks.

"You can stick him up on a hill with a radar gun thats what.":p ^_^; :haha:

[Godgrave]

Haha

[GundamFreakX]

I like them both. wanted to tell another, but g2g.

[Saosin]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

my friend told me this, but then I found it on ebaums world so...yeah

[Wolflord]

X'D I had to read that through twice before I got it!!!

okay so these two guys are walking through a construction site, and one man says "I bet you can't throw up a smartie and catch it in your mouth." To which the other man replied "of course I can't, if I throw it up, it won't come down" To which the other man replied "It will, let me show you." And so he walks over to a brickyard, grabs a brick, throws it up. Lo and behold, the brick floats up and away.

Okay I got a better one.

This man and his duck want to go to Africa. The man can't take his duck on the plane, so he instructs it to land on the wing and fly. So in the middle of the flight, the pilot says there will be turbulence, so the duck is shook off. He's flapping his wings, he's working his ass off, and the man is screaming and cheering him on. The duck makes it. Later on, the pilot announces turbulence again. So the duck is shook off. He's flapping his wings, he's flapping them, and then the duck gets hit by a brick!

It's funnier if I say it out loud. I forget all the rest.

[Hampstergeddon]

Ask your coworkers if they've ever had sex with a sheep as long as they wanted to.

when they say no, ask them what made them stop.


Hey Jonhson, You ever had sex with a sheep for as long as ya wanted?

No. I can't say that I have.

Really? What made you stop?

[Saiel]

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

A: You would, too, if your name was GWAAAAAAAH.



...okay, all I know are Helen Keller jokes. But they're the best.

[Hampstergeddon]

if you know the rubber ducky song.

Helen keller,
you're quite the find
thats because you're deaf and blind.

Helen Keller, I'm awfully fond of you.
doo doo dooby doo

Helen keller,
you're one of a kind.
Not just because you're deaf and blind.

Yes helen keller I love you its true.

Every day when I, make my wat to the coal mine
I find a
Little feller, named helen keller, and is blind.

Helen keller,
How can it be?
I love you, and, you cant see,

Helen keller I'm awfully proud of,
Helen keller you're one in a crowd, cause
Helen keller you're immune to sooooound

its true.

[kagome is so hot]

Little Stephanie was a little girl who always went to church. However, during sunday school, she would always fall asleep during class. So, the pastor told Little Johnny, "When she falls asleep again, stab her with this pencil."

So, the next day, during Sunday school, she fell asleep. Then, the teacher asked, "Who was Mary?" Little Johnny stabbed Strphanie with the pencil. She jerked awake and yelled, "Mother of Jesus!" The teacher said, "That's correct." The, she fell back asleep.

Then, the teacher asked, "Who created the Earth and all the creatures?" Little Johnny stabbed her again. She jerked awake and yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher said, "That's correct." Then, she fell asleep again.

Finally, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 37th child?" Little Johnny stabbed her again, so she jumped up, looked at Johnny, and yelled, "If you stab that thing in me again, I'm gonna break it off!"dude ive herd that joke so many times but it wasnt in that way i like it more in a new way that buddha for that

ok a man goes to catholic school for 12 years but isnt catholic so one day his friend askes" if you went to catholic school for 12 years why are u not a catholic" the man replies "because i went to catholic school for 12 years"
yes i know its from shorties wathin shorties but it rules

[Saosin]

Helen keller jokes are funny, If not alittle cruel.

[Sabe]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Wolflord]

X'D

Okay so a Japanese man lets call him Bob, went to a street, there were 11 houses. he went to the first house, knocked on the door, and when a man answered, he said "hey, what's your name." The man replied "Fu-king." Bob finished his census, went to the next house. Same thing. he keeps going until he gets to the last house, where an 8 y old boy answers. So bob says "Hi, you must be fu-king." To which the boy replied "no.. I'm watching TV."

[Mimiru]

lol these are all to good

[GundamFreakX]

I have two nun jokes:

1. There wee three nuns who were about to repaint the chapel. The priest told them not to get paint on their habits. So, they decided to strip nude while painting the room. Afterwards, someone knocks on the door. One of the nuns asked, "Who is it?" The man calls, "Blind man." The nun opens the door, and the man drops the blinds.

2. There were three nuns at a confessional. The first nun walks to the Pope and says, "Sir, i have sinned." The pope asks, "What have u done?" She says, "I lied." The pope replies, "Say Hail Mary three times and drink three glasses of holy water." This made the third nun chuckle.

The second nun walks up and says, "Sir, I have sinned." The pope asks, "What have u done?" She replies, "I have commited adultry." The pope looks sternly at her and says, "Say Hail Mary ten times while drinking ten glasses of holy water." This caused the third nun to burst out laughing.

So, the third nun walks up, still laughing, and says, "Sir, I have sinned." The pope asks, "What have u done?" She replies, laughing uncontrollably, "I peed in the holy water!"

[Sabe]

GFX, nice nun jokes, but the first one you mentioned, the last part(as I've always heard it) is, the nun opens the door and the guy looks at her and says, "Wow (what knock outs)! Where do you want your blinds hung?"

The parenthesis is because the joke is a bit more explicit the way I've heard it...

[GundamFreakX]

Well, I was told this joke in school during class. So, I think she didn't want to get into too much trouble.

There was a Chinese man who owned a restaurant. A man walks in and says, "I'll have a coke." So the Chinese man gives him a Coke. The man spits it out and says, "This tastes like pea!" Then, the Chinese man sings, "Me Chinese, Me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke."
Then, another man walks in and asks for a Coke. He spits it out, too, and says, "This tastes like pea!" The Chinese man sings, "Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke."
Then, a cowboy walks in and asks for a Coke. He spits is out and yells, "This tastes like pea!" the Chinese man sings, "Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke." Then, the cowboy stands up and sings, "Me cowboy, me draw fast, me shoot bullet up your @$$!"

[CGRH-OneShotKill]

a man was looking for a gift to give his wife on christmas. he knew she liked pets,so he went to the pet store. he tells the clerk "i'm looking for a pet for my wife". the clerk says "we have a parrot that can sing christmas carols. the man,in amazement ,follows the clerk to the back of the store. the clerk lights a match and puts it under the parrots left foot,and the parrot begins singing jingle bells. he then places it under his right foot,and the parrot sings silent night. the man finally asks, does he sing any other songs? the clerk replies "nope,that's all he sings". so while the man is paying for the bird,he asks "what's the bird's name?" the clerk replies "Chet"

so,the next day,the man's wife is listening to the bird sing christmas carols,when she asks her husband "what else does it sing?" the man gets a brilliant idea. he lights a match and puts it between the parrots legs, and the parrot start's singing "chet's nuts roasting on an open fire" ^_^;

[Saosin]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

[Flying_Monkey]

My Dog Named Sex


Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call

mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to

the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like

a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But

she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You

don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He

replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.


When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.

When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room

in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"





One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, Same here!


Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A

cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 40 I clock in

the morning. I said, I'm looking for SeX. -- My case comes up next Thursday.


Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day

when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,




"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get

yourself a dog.

[Miyu]

a wife and a husband had a son, and a good home with three rooms.
when they became bankrupt they sold their house and had to rent a one roomed apartment. in the one bedroom they all slept in a bunk bed, the wife and husband on the top bunk and the son on the bottom bunk. the wife and husband still wanted to have sex so they made up word that meant different things to say when they were making love. tomato=go faster, pickles= go harder, and bread= perfect. one night they were making love and they kept on saying those three words. when the son said "mom dad can you stop making sandwiches? you're getting mayonase on me"

[Sabe]

Please don't take offence. I am actually dating a blond, and she thinks this joke is hilarious!

There wer three women on a desert island. One was a brunet, the second a red head, and the third a blond. One day, while looking for food, Red stumbles across a lamp. She takes it back to camp, and Brownie says, hey let's shine it up, it might be worth something. So Red starts wiping it off, and a genie comes out.
Looking at the three women he says, "Normally I grant three wishes, but since there is three of you...How 'bout one wish each."
Brownie says that she missed her bf and wished to be by his side. POOF! she disappears.
Red likes that idea, and wishes to be with her bf. POOF! she's gone.
The genie turns to Blondie, but she asks for a day to think, which the genie allows.
The next day, she goes to the genie with her wish. She looks at him and looks around, and says, "Ya know, it's kina lonely around here...I WISH MY FRIEND WERE HERE..."

[GundamFreakX]

1.There were three girls: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were going to take a trip to the desert. Each of them were going to bring an item for survival. The redhead walks out of the house and says, "I'm bringing food. In case we get hungry, we can eat some." And she walks toward the desert. Then, the brunette walks out and says, "I'm bringing water. In case we get thristy, we can drink some." And she walks toward the desert. Then, the blonde walks out and walks to the desert. The redhead and brunette ask, "What did you bring?" and she says, "A car door. In case we get hot, we can roll down the window."

2. There was this man who got in his truk and drove around to pick up some girls. He picks up a redhead and she sits in the middle. Then, she picked up the brunette and sits in the passenger seat. Then, he picks up a blonde and she gets in the bed of the truck. Then, he crashes into a river. The man, redhead, and brunette swim back to the shore. 5 minutes later, the blonde comes up. "What took you so long?" the man asked, and she said, "The tailgate wouldn't open."

[Miyu]

there were three gays doing each other, when one of the said "i'll be right back i'm going to get a drink of water, dont do anything while i'm gone." when he came back there were semen all over the walls "i told you guys not to do anything." the guy says. "we didnt, the other guy farted"
gross.

[GundamFreakX]

eerie...

[Flying_Monkey]

:barf: sick

[Mimiru]

there were three gays doing each other, when one of the said "i'll be right back i'm going to get a drink of water, dont do anything while i'm gone." when he came back there were semen all over the walls "i told you guys not to do anything." the guy says. "we didnt, the other guy farted"
gross. idont get it...

[Wolflord]

*EXPLICIT*

Okay so a man is going away on a business trip for a year and a half. he wants to get his wife a dildo so that she won't sleep around while he's away. He goes to the dildo store and there's nothing there that looks good enough. So he asks the shopkeeper what will keep his wife busy for a year and a half. The man replies "We have the voodoo dick. Watch." He takes out a box, opens it, and inside is a wooden dildo that has runes carved on it. "voodoo dick, the keyhole." He says. The dildo pops out of its box, flies over to the keyhole and starts screwing it. The man then orders it back into the box. The man bought it, and left the shop feeling very satisfied with it.

When he gets home, he tells his wife about it, and says "all you have to do is say voodoo dick, my vagina, and it will start doing you." So one day, she's feeling horny, and takes it out. "voodoo dick, my vagina." She says, and it flies out and starts screwing her. After 3 incredible orgasms, she feels like she should stop. Unfortunately, her husband never told her how to get it out. She puts on a skirt, and goes to the hospital.

On the way, she has another orgasm. She swerves and almost hits a cop. The cop pulls her over and asks her to explain herself. The whole story about the voodoo dick just pours out of her, and when she is done, the cop laughs at her and says "yea sure, voodoo dick, my ass."

X'D long

[Gundam-Ranger-X]

X'D X'D X'D X'D X'D X'D

[Guyver]

X'd

[Wolflord]

A man walks into a bar

ouch that must hurt X'D... so stupid but so funny

[Akira13]

idont get it...

I get it, but its disgusting and unfunny.

[Miyu]

-_-; OK then
Why did raggidy ann get kicked out of the toy box?
she sat on ponichio's nose and said lie lie lie.

[Hell_Cat_18]

God damnX'DX'DX'D I'll have to come back and read these some other time, I'm laughing to hard in public, and people are starting to look at me.

[Flying_Monkey]

The voodoo dildo one is too funny, i can't stop laughing.

[GundamFreakX]

ROTFLMFAO! The voodoo one's got me busting a gut!

[Wolflord]

okay umm... (this isnt meant to offend those religious people) Why do ladies love jesus? He has a second coming. Why Do ladies hate jesus? He takes 2 days to rise!

i had to.

[Godgrave]

Very funny jokes you guys .... here's one though

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male Stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...." :happy:
----------
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ? ..."

[Flying_Monkey]

hahahahahahahaha

funny funny stuff

[Wolflord]

X'd

[Godgrave]

That Voodoo Dick one, I saw it last year as a Flash Joke. And it's even funnier because Voodoo DIck has a voice too and he sounds like "God".

[Flying_Monkey]

wow I want to see that.

[Godgrave]

Ok here're two more, but I dunno if they're offensive or not. So I apologize if they are ^_^

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over in his town has been at it.

Finally he decides to adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your wee-wee like the monks did?"
-------------
A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his blatter was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day. People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over. He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.

The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."

The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.

Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."

The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"

[Gundam-Ranger-X]

:haha: haha

[Godgrave]

For guys who're on pot ...

Q. How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A. When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.
------
A horse and a chicken are walking around in a barn yard. The horse slips and falls into a deep puddle. He tells the chicken, "Go get the farmers' Mercedes and a long rope, tie one end of the rope to the car, and the other end to me, and pull me out of here." So the chicken does so and pulls the horse out of the puddle.

Weeks later they are walking around the barn yard again, and this time the chicken falls into the puddle. He quickly tells the horse, "Quick, get the car (Mercedes) again!" The horse says, "I have a better idea" The horse then stands over the puddle and says "Grab onto my penis and pull yourself out." The chicken follows the horses instructions and gets out of the hole.

Morale of the story: "If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a mercedes to pick up chicks." ^_^

[Flying_Monkey]

X'D oh man its soo funny.

[GundamFreakX]

MG, godgrave! :rotflmao: :rotflmao: ROTFLMFAO!

[Wolflord]

Haha okay...

So a man walks into a bar with a garbage bag. He reaches into the bag and pulls out a mini piano. He then pulls out a 12 inch little man who starts playing the piano. The man was amazing. The bartender asks "where did you get him?"
The man replies "I was walking on the beach, when I found a genie. The genie gave me one wish, and I wished for him. It's not of any use to me anymore." So he gives the bartender the bottle. The bartender wishes for a million bucks. He goes into the kitchen to find a million ducks. He goes back to the man and says "I think your genie is a little deaf, I wished for a million bucks, not ducks."
To which the man replies "Of course, do you think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

XD

[Miyu]

how does a gay guy get across the pasific ocean? two strokes and he's there.

[Godgrave]

^_^; that's funny

[Miyu]

WARNING PG 13 OR R I FORGET!!!

what did one boob say to the other? "we better get some support or some one is going to think we're nuts.

[Flying_Monkey]

hahahahahahahahahahahhaha

Holy crap Its too funny.

[Godgrave]

Haha that was a good joke Miyu ^_^ ....

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the
father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a
stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time, I didn't!"

[Flying_Monkey]

holy Crap that is too funny

[Miyu]

:happy: that is funny!!

[Godgrave]

An oldie, but a goodie ^_^
-----------
A couple is golfing one day on a very, exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows, it'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the houses! all right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in." When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that."

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie says, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she says.

"Consider it done."

"And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you."

So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours. Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says,

"How old are you and your husband, I may ask?"

"I am 34 and he is 35. Why?"

"And you still believe in genies?"

[Nattizo]

well there a joke thats ok for me its called fuckyou trouble it goes like this
there were two boys named fuckyou and trouble so one day they wanted to play hide n go sike so trouble was it he had to count to ten so fuck you was running to cross the street but he did not look across the street so then he almost got hit by a car a police car so then the policeman puts down the window and he calls fuckyou he says hey hey you come here so fuckyou walks up to the policeman the policeman says whats your name boy fuckyou says my name is fuckyou the policeman says what what did you just say my name is fuckyou the policeman says are you looking for trouble fuckyou says no trouble is looking for me

[Gundam-Ranger-X]

oO *scratches head* I think somebody need to learn how to use ponctuation.

[Miyu]

in an old people care home, a woman in her 60s was in a wheel chair because her legs were perolized.well she almost always thought she was in a car.
one day in a hallway she started making noises like a car would make, and started making her whell chair go really fast. an old man came out of one of the rooms. "halt" said the old man, "you were going over the speed limit. can i see your drivers license missy." well the woman looked in her purse and gave the man a lolipop, "Well ok but this is your first warning. slow it down next time."
the woman obeyed him, for a while, but when she turned the corner you could hear her make the niose of a car, and go faster in her wheel chair.
the old man stepped out of the room again, "halt" said the man, "you were going way to fast, let me see your drivers license." the woman looked through her purse again and gave him a nickle, "OK but this is your last warning, keep it slow."
well as soon as the woman turned the corner she started amking noises like a car again and started going faster in her wheel chair. well the the old man came out again but this time naked.
right away the woman stoped and said, "OH NO NOT THE BREATH O'LIZER AGAIN!"

[Bureda]

X'D

Okay so a Japanese man lets call him Bob, went to a street, there were 11 houses. he went to the first house, knocked on the door, and when a man answered, he said "hey, what's your name." The man replied "Fu-king." Bob finished his census, went to the next house. Same thing. he keeps going until he gets to the last house, where an 8 y old boy answers. So bob says "Hi, you must be fu-king." To which the boy replied "no.. I'm watching TV."

hahah nice one :cool:

[Wolflord]

okay so here's one I remembered while talking to Evangalina
-----------------
Okay so a woman with no arms and no legs is sitting on a bench by a bus stop. A man walks by and sits down next to her. They talk for a while, and the man gets up to go. "please sir, no one has ever sat down and talked to me before, could you please stay awhile?" She asks him. The man, startled, replies he would be delighted. When he REALLY has to go. She says "please, no one has ever kissed me before, not even my parents. Could you please kiss me." So he kisses her. She then says "please, no one has ever fucked me before, could you please fuck me?" (can ya guess where this is goin ;)) So the man picks her up, carries her to a lake, chucks her in, and says "now you're fucked."

Lol

[Miyu]

ok i didn't know this was so long forgotten but i though i might as well start back at this one then make a new one so here is a pretty good joke i think
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"


The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Honeybee]

omg i love that one XD

1. this guy is really smart he has his whole house figured out he is going to use only 5,000 bricks. Turns out when the house is done he used 4,999 bricks what did he do with the other one?
He threw it away of course!

2. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a Rhino?
Hellifiknow

3. Two blonds were walking in the woods when they spotted some tracks
"I think its deer tracks" said the first blonde
"Well i think its bear tracks!" said the second
doesnt matter the train ran over them anyways

4.okay these people were riding those reallly old planes where you could open the windows to see the view, and you could smoke alllll you wanted (ladys dream)
well anyhow a man sat down and pulled out a cigar then next to him sat a portly lady with a chiwawa (sp). An hour passed and it turned out every time the guy to a puff on his cigar the chiwawa would go yap yip yip yip yap!!!!!
A few minutes later the portly women said

"Sir if you dont put out that cigar ill throw it out the window!"

(man takes another puff right at the ladys face)

"Mame if you dont shut up that dog ill throw it out the window!"

(takes another puff at her face)

now i thought the guy was gonna do it but that ladys grabs that cigar and chucks it out the window. she looks back at the angry man with a smirk.

Full of anger he takes the chiwawa and toses it out the window while the lady gives a shrill of terror.

"YOU JUST THREW MY DOG OUT THE WINDOW!"

"well you threw my cigar!"

they come for a landing and the lady bolts out of the plane crying

"FEEEFEEE FEEEFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

then in the distance comes little old feefee,and guess what it had in it's mouth?

A brick :D

[Wolflord]

bwahaha, I told that one earlier HB, except mine was shorter mwuahahaha.

I also heard a shorter version of that one Miyu..

A kid walks into a pharmacy, and shyly asks for a box of condoms. The man working there is proud. He's glad to see young people being responsible and using protection. He's so happy, he gives the kid the condoms half price. Later that night, his daughter's boyfriend shows up to take her out, and lo and behold, it's the kid..

Your version was better.

[Honeybee]

heres a joke brought to you by Miyu -_-
i was telling miyu this awesome joke my dad told me

"Two sausges (sp) were frying in a pan and one sausages saiys to the other on 'Man its hot in here im starting to burn up!' and the other one says 'AHHHH TALKING SAUSEAGE!'"

Miyu doesnt laugh one bit -_-

but 10 min later and shes roaling in laughter when i ask her why she says
"I found this awesome joke! it goes "Two eggs were frying in a pan and one egg says to the other on 'Goddness its hot i do believe im starting to fry!' and the other one says 'AHHHH TALKING EGG!'"

-_- dork.......

[Wolflord]

Bwahaha. It's only funny because she spites you :p