Needing Serious Constructive Feedback

[Stinkerbell]

Okay, I've been working on this story since September. I've talked about it here and there on the forums, but no one at fanfiction.net who has read it has given serious constructive feeback. I mean, I appreciate the compliments of "It's great ... Very different ... I love it."
But seriously, man, I need some massive input! I have been thinking about submitting it for the fanfic contest at Sakura-Con, but if it isn't up to par I don't want to embarrass myself. If you have time to kill here or there, go read bits and pieces on fanfiction.net, and either post here, or send me a review with serious constructive feedback, it would be greatly appreciated.
All I ask is if you are going to be uncouth and insensitive, just don't even reply. After getting a C+ on a paper that I busted my ass on for countless hours, my ego is very fragile.
I just need to know if this is worth my effort, or am I just fooling myself.

You can find it at:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/465681/
And go to the story titled "Destiny's Fault."

[Ladywriter]

check it over for run on sentances, overuse of commas and basic structure.
I cant be sure if you want to keep the characters in character, but if thats what you're gong for ...it's out of character for Sessy to be that close with any group other then his own (and he's standoffish w/ them). He may follow but he wouldnt join up and hang out with them and he wouldnt say that he needed help from anyone to kill Naruku once and for all.

[Stinkerbell]

Lady, thank you so much for your input! After looking at my printed manuscript I noticed my over-usage of commas and a few run on sentences. :oops: I have begun an intense editing process.

I'm also thinking of writing an epilogue to explain the circumstances in which this story takes place.

To explain Sesshomaru's lack of apathy, I wanted to explore that glimmer of kindness that Rin brought to life in him. I wanted him to feel emotion and see that they are not limited to mortals (after all, InuTaisho loved his sons and Izayoi). To cause this major change, he'd have to endure some major change. Rin's death and their sudden move to the modern era was not just for show.

[Ladywriter]

I have discovered that the lowly semicolon can be a writers best friend :p

[Stinkerbell]

Ah yes ... it can save your ass so many ways. :)

I imagine tonight I'll sit down and go through my MSWord files and make all the corrections and re-upload them to fanfiction.net.